Thursday, December 4, 2008

Broken

Psalm 31:14-15
But I trust in you, O Lord; I say; "You are my God." My times are in your hands...
God pointed me to this verse this morning. He not only placed this verse before me, but he also told me to commit it to not only my memory, but also to my heart.

You see, God has been doing some pretty amazing things to my heart as of late. As you all know, I have been struggling and searching for answers as we progress toward the latter part of this adoption journey. The closer we get, the wait is almost unbearable (for me) at times, especially since joining the AWAA Yahoo chat group a couple of months ago. I see so much pain and heartache flowing through the postings as families do not pass court, referrals are not made, court dates are met and then postponed for sometimes months at a time and even the deaths of two infants in the transition home. I clearly perceive (and feel) the anguish of these families as they post these stories.

But God has been speaking to me over the past couple of months. He has been telling me to wait and be patient. And when I refused to be patient (the waiting part I have no control over) He sent His Holy Spirit to break me down. But as He did this, He told me exactly what He was doing. He told me that in order for Him to bless me, I needed to break. I needed to give up my will. I needed to turn it over to God so He could prove faithful and be glorified in this process. That happened on a Sunday in church a couple of weeks ago. I felt as if I were being crushed but crushed in love. God's mercy and love were right there with me. At that point I turned it all over to Him. The wait. The anger. The frustration. I was broken.

Fast forward a couple of weeks to this morning's devotionals and prayer time. He placed Psalm 31:14-15 before me. But he spoke to me in doing so. He said, "I ordain your trials and tribulations. I do this so that you can see that I am utterly trustworthy and devoted to you."

I have never felt more loved in my life...

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